I had a dream I owned two pet goats & one was small & white, named Sheep
& I had a dream I was almost tricked into joining a cult in a cafe called “Grouple’s Grouple” owned by a man who greeted me in underwear & a kimono & who I also talked to about our mutual peeves over large cracks in between our floor boards
until everyone chanted “LIAR” around me; I ran away
& I had a dream this guy was repeatedly hacking himself in the chest with a meat cleaver in front of a large crowd of people under the spotlight of a helicopter.
I’m on the train from a great weekend in New Jersey back to Brooklyn.
I’ll try to be brief despite the struggle since riding on trains alone makes me nostalgic and sentimental.
I brought Marc to a tunnel fire out in the boonies of central New Jersey & saw Chelsa & Jeff & laughed my stomach into knots & danced in a parking lot because I was that happy & caught up over pumpkin ale. I was introduced to people in the dark whose faces are still strangers.
I watched fireworks from a concrete arch launch just outside a tunnel on the edge of a mountain; palpitating & queasy from the height & noise. We caught April & Dan tail the train passing through & beneath us on their motorcycle.
We turned off the flashlights & walked down the tracks, stumbling & catching ourselves on just the sound of us, to our cars in the dark as our eyes half adjusted
Marc liked my friends & I fell in love with them all over again & maybe New Jersey for the first time. Being on night trains makes my chest all tight with salty, burning tears & I don’t know why. Or maybe it’s just tonight.
To catch up-
I work to make money five days a week here:
I intern at this gallery as of late (& I hope forevvvvveeerrrr) for the sake of relevancy & well being the other two days (does that make sense, though) here:
I have $15 & a bizarre ceramic pot I had to make in college full of change; or in other words, I’m rich now. I’m so glad I have an income again, though.
I need to figure out school & I need to not be nocturnal anymore & I also need to stop drinking blood, but that’s of subterranean importance, really & just for the sake of vanity.
Today I had a tall Colt 45 & some pasta with garlic salt on it. My to-do list hasn’t shrunk in a day, but it’s not bothering me as much as it would because I’ve been the best kind of busy & exhausted.
I need to start writing/painting/drawing again. It’s been months. At least I get my fill of reading on the train.
Yesterday someone kicked a broken glass bottle at me & then someone else spit at me- I pretend they’re like cat-calls.
I never spend time on the internet anymore but only because my internet connection is wonky
& sometimes I forget what my face looks like now.
& our cockroaches stay out in the day.
I really need a pleasant working experience in the arts again to boost my morale. I’m already feeling jaded. I’ve met too many art kids in NYC that are just miserable. They’re either A: Lazy, deluded elitists who use their trust fund money & connections as a crutch B: Horribly pretentious, alienating, pseudo-intellectuals who use a thousand key words or names to talk themselves in circles or C: Both.
Art is totally political.
This all makes me sound like a big, soiled douche, but it’s so draining to constantly meet your peers & realize they’re just heinous.
I feel like I’m still holding my kind-of-warm-tray of cheesesteak & beans, looking for a place to sit in a lunch room full of kids who’ve found a table half a class period ago.
(Reading that again, it makes half as much sense as it did initially).
Lately, I’ve been toying with the idea of doing myself a solid
& becoming a nurse or some other big-hearted professional so I know I’d have a steady, justifiable job that isn’t self-absorbed or have the potential to be so disgustingly bogus & pretentious.
I’m my own bitter, ugly cesspool of underdog defeatist attitudes!
I swear to you this blog is my miserable half. I might as well start signing off as Charlie Brown.
Drink lots of water today
Drink less coffee today
Not smoke like a fiend
I won’t drink tonight
I’m going to nail all this work I have to do for this internship by 5pm
Then I’ll clean this apartment
Then I’ll work-out like a boss
& leave the house by 7 to go to galleries (hopefully with a pretty date) & refuse all the free wine they offer me.
Dark Knight Rises got me excited about comics again.
You don’t find characters or character development like you do in comic books.
The more you read their stories, the more you learn about each character & how they function in the plot beyond the words they’re given within the text.
I could write about Bruce Wayne & the Batman story for a long time, as well as Christopher Nolan’s last installment in his film adaptation, but I’ll just say
Batman is my favorite (non)super-hero ever created for extremely tangible reasons.
Despite any theories thrown around about Batman vs. class struggle, he & Catwoman are supposed to represent us, regardless of your socio-political background. Each from one opposite end of the spectrum, BM & CW met in the middle under a common denominator- the sake of Gotham City .
Bane & the government/Wall St.-ers are from those same two factions & represent each, only they’re too narcissistic & narrow-minded to do what’s best for mankind.
And this has always been the story of Batman. It’s about pain & suffering & anger & what you choose to do with it that matters, not whether or not you’re angry & know what it is to suffer. Because everyone does.
And who’s to say having never had anything or anyone to love is worse than
being born with everything to lose & watching it get taken away?
Little boy in a stroller singing Bohemian Rhapsody, pestering his nanny to get him some blood,
you are the salt on my meat.
Yucky, slop-o girl wearing too little clothes next to me on the subway eating sunflower seeds & spitting the shells on the floor of the train,
I will see you in hell! Not before spitting seeds on your grave.
I swear to you people.
I drank way too much last night & have been a couch potato ever since.
I have been drinking too frequently the past three weeks.
I remember worrying last night after getting home that’d I’d drank myself into permanent inebriation- like, I’d drank myself to some oblivion where I’d be really dumb & clumsy forever.
It was horribly manic but also something ONLY a drunken idiot would imagine. So that’s that!
Turns out I’m not permanently drunk yet- CARPE DIEM.
Bless my heart.
I should’ve left for Calen & Jack’s place by now but I haven’t even gained enough momentum to take a shower yet. I AM THE ABSOLUTE WORST TODAY. All I need for someone to put me out of my gluttonous misery now is a tube from a food machine into my stomach.
leave me alone so I have too much time to think myself into a psychic frenzy resulting in my swimming in a pool of guilt & shame
The girl I intern for is so fun & signs off with “Bug Hug,” in her e-mails & her friends seem awesome & I’m excited.
& I’m babysitting tomorrow night & hopefully getting a better job in the next few days-
I want to work with coffee & donuts but with really nice coffee & donuts but that’s just for now
& my skin’s clearing up & I’ve lost weight & &&&&
I’m still a total anxiety troll who fat-kid-sweats but this past week or so has been super consequential
& I’m gaining some momentum.
trust & light asylum with Ben, Bree, Calen.
I’m sorry I’ve been M.I.A lately- been super busy getting my life here set up again. I’ll be more active this coming week when I’m not at work.
I love to be busy.
Also, I went for my first NYC run today on the piers & it was super nice.
I think everyone thought I was suffering heat stroke on the run home, though.
& I went to the beach yesterday for the first time in a while. It’s so nice being back.